Dear…
I’m not ill I promise
That’s why I refuse to take those pills on my desk
Having to hide them away from her hurts me
But I have to.
I don’t want her looking at me, worrying about how I feel
It’d be embracing to explain that I can’t keep things in check
Keeping my emotions from building bases of homes at the depths of my mind
I don’t want to have to look at her and hide my face in shame
Having her think her husband is not the man she said yes to
I’m not ill I …
.. I just don’t feel the need to remind myself to stuff my brain with sad reminders that I’m overjoyed with,
being just fine
Just fine in pretending that this smile isn’t leaving first degree burns of de…
I’m not ill
But I’m not sure why I feel like this
Why my thoughts aren’t right
Why I try to understand these feelings
Absolutely frustrated that I can’t …
Fuck it
Really I don’t want to say this but,
I’m not,
Happy
And I can’t wake up every morning and kiss her forehead
Wrap my hands around her body and tell her she’s the best thing I’ll ever have
I don’t want her thinking I’m less of me, like
Parts of me have faded and she won’t be able to find him
I’m,
Depressed and I can’t find the words to explain this bipolar state my mind has me fucked with
Totally losing grip of my sanity
Restless nights of pointless worrying
But it’d all be better if I was gone, right?
Far away in the mist of my mistakes
My mind won’t be able to play childhood games with me anymore
So take this as a goodbye and I’ll see you when I’m better kind of letter
Love Dad